Things That Make You Go Ewww…Because Parenting is Gross

Things that Make you go Eww

They’ll chew on gum they find stuck to the underbelly of the slide in the park, they’ll pocket insects, they’ll hide hairy grapes and pieces of cheddar under the couch cushions and there isn’t a child on the planet who doesn’t love a good snot-sneaking expedition with the sole purpose of sucking the findings off an index finger. As joyous as parent life is, it can be truly, undisputedly disgusting. And it all begins with that double blue line.  Sit tight for some of the grosser aspects of parenthood…

I almost feel sorry for this guy…

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO EWWW…

PREGNANCY

The pregnancy poster girls make it easy, don’t they? The images of smiling couples in perfectly decorated nurseries and expectant parents making Instagrammable love-heart shapes over neat bumps? What’s that about? Of COURSE that’s not what pregnancy is really like. These lassies are radiant, they’re glowing, they’re smiling. They make pregnancy appear magical and beautiful. Enjoyable even. They seem to have neither pelvic girdle pain nor piles. They’re not sporting a chinful of defiant zits and I suspect they aren’t wearing an extra-absorbent Tenna Lady.

Reality check: Pregnancy is a veritable lucky dip involving a combination of ailments from a catalogue of misery; from vomiting to varicose veins; heartburn to hemorrhoids; constipation to cankles. It ain’t easy when you’re sweating and whizzing like Seabiscuit for almost TEN months and all you want to do is eat frankfurters, pickled onions and ice-cubes. So enough with the false advertising already.

Things that Make you go Ewww
 

CHILDBIRTH

As per the code of the sisterhood – similar to that of Fight Club – I’m not permitted to discuss the grosser details of childbirth in the public domain, for fear that some of the uninitiated may be exposed to truths privy to only members of the inner mummy sanctum. If you’ve been there, you know. If you haven’t, well, not ALL of it will happen to you. Sure it’s all marvellous, really. The miracle of nature. Oh that Mother Nature’s a wily minx alright.

Things that Make you go Ewww

BREASTFEEDING  

Hey, I’m all for the boobage. I’m a fan. BUT… as beautiful and natural as it is, there’s no denying that squirting milk into the face of your unsuspecting baby (and perhaps partner, neighbour or visiting relative) is a bit gross. On top of that you’re dealing with uncomfortable, over-sized knockers, bleeding nipples, leakage, a milk-stained mattress, the feeding sweats and conditions like mastitis and nipple thrush. Nice.

Things that Make you go Ewww

HUMAN OUTPUT  

Is there anything more IMPOSSIBLE to deal with than meconium? It’s hard to reconcile this oozing, tar-like, other-worldly substance with your seemingly-innocent newborn, yet it’s produced in abundance for DAYS by the little cherub. And when you’ve ridden out this initial shit storm – laughably armed only with cotton wool and water – you’ll be faced with a delightful and ever-changing array of new consistencies and shades, ranging from mildly offensive to the bile-inducing. You’ll touch poo, you’ll talk about poo, you’ll spend years wiping poo, you may even take photos of poo to be discussed at length with medical professionals or unlucky mom-friends. Believe it.

Things that Make you go Ewww
 

GASTRIC BUGS  

Before I became a parent, I had never encountered projectile-vomiting in the true, gravity-defying sense of the term. In fact I’d encountered very little vomit since my Sambuca-swilling days in the late nineties and that was usually confined to the toilet-bowl – I had some class.

When a vomiting bug enters your home on the manky little mitts of your infected offspring, it’s time for lock-down. In the throes of a gastric aplocolypse, you’ll be house-bound; trapped in a cesspit of germs and regurgitated meatballs. A sick child’s vomit will splatter walls, cling to curtains, penetrate cushion fibres and seep deep beneath floorboards and the bug won’t rest until everyone is groaning, writhing, begging for mercy and fighting for the downstairs loo. Godspeed, soldiers. And check out my survival guide!

Things that Make you go Ewww

TOILET-TRAINING 

If someone told the pre-kids you that you’d pick a human turd off your sitting room floor and plop it back into the toilet without flinching, you’d struggle to believe it. There’s no sugar-coating this one. Toilet-training isn’t at all pretty. Accidents will indiscriminately happen in the most inopportune of places. You’ll clean wee of the floor so many times you’ll lose count. You’ll find yourself up to your elbows in sh*t. Literally. Scrubbing it off carpets, fishing it out the bath and upturning it out of underpants will become part of your sad reality. On a positive note, you’ll become oddly densensitised to the whole nasty business. Winner.

Things that Make you go Ewww

HEAD-LICE

Insects and unhatched eggs in hair trump all of the others. Leaking orifices and human waste, we can deal with, but living parasites taking up residence in the barnets of your kids, feeding off their blood and frolicking around in their dead scalp skin? Well, that’s just plain nasty. De-lousing and treating itchy little heads with combs, sprays, homemade remedies and bad-ass chemicals is a parenting rite of passage. The ick factor, teamed with the filthy shame and the queue of bagged laundry makes this aspect of parenting is just lousey. (See what I did there?)

Things that Make you go Ewww

Do you have any to add to the list? What’s makes you go Ewww? Go on, share in the comments! And if you liked this post, share the love – I think we should warn the others.
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Yes, parent life is amazing and we're all #blessed, BUT, it's not all rosy is it? Certain elements of the whole business definitely have an ick factor...

67 comments on “Things That Make You Go Ewww…Because Parenting is Gross

  1. Oh Sinead, I laughed, I shouldn’t have. I should cry and cry loudly. You should also say that the potty training is possibly the worst stage. Ever. Fact. And also don’t forget about the seeds in the new born poo. How is there seeds in new born poo………

  2. Omg I laughed and laughed reading those, and the giving birth gif was brilliant! You are so right on so many things here. That poor man looking super cute with his pregnant missus tells a million stories on its own. What a great post to kick off my weekend:)
    Mainy
    #blogstravaganza
    Mainy recently posted…Easter Giveaway Competition

  3. Maybe I’m beginning to regain a certain level of intolerance but for me the fact that every surface on our house has an even coating of food and snot just turns my stomach. Makes you appreciate how much “cleaning” the dog did when he was around.

  4. my daughter is five and still grosses me out. She denies it, but I swear I saw her pick something out of the dog’s eye and eat it last week. My stomach turns just thinking about it again #fridayfrolics

  5. Ha ha! This is so so true. The vomit freaks me out. Honestly, it paralyses me – I don’t know what to do. I want them as far away from me as possible. In fact, child in the shower and all clothes in the washing machine. Like, straight away. Head lice will also freak me out, I’m sure, if and when it happens! Loved the post. Thanks for sharing #KCACOLS

  6. Ha! It really is amazing how gross it is! I went to work the other day and didnt even notice the bogey that had crusted into my top until about half way through the day. (thank you son) and the time i had hurridly changed his pants and found them in my coat pocket on a night out urgh! The point i knew i was a parent was when he puked up and I did not have a bowl and it was either my hand or the sofa and I instinctively put out my hand…. yuck! x #Blogstravaganza

    1. Hahaha. New definition of a mother’s instinct: to hold out a hand to catch puke. Nice. I cleaned out my car at the weekend. I can’t even go into the gross things I found! Mostly my fault for not cleaning it more often to be fair!

  7. Hahaha I loved this! I had no idea how gross the whole business of babies was until I had one 4 months ago. I’m pretty sure I regularly sleep in sick/wee/poo just because I can’t be bothered to keep changing the bedding that often! #blogstravaganza

  8. I’m dreading nits! My daughter is 6 with really long hair. Every day she comes home saying “I swapped headbands with x” STOP YOU’LL GET NITS!!! It makes me feel queasy! #blogstravaganza

  9. For me it’s the exploding nappies – the ones that go right up their back and there’s no way of getting them out of it without everyone getting covered in it… so gross #MarvMondays

  10. We’re only up to the point of the sick bug so far, but I get you on so many levels!! Baby Lighty was a reflux baby. It’s therefore completely normal for me to catch sick with my bare hands. Pretty much sums up motherhood!! #BigPinkLink
    Mrs Lighty recently posted…I Worried…

  11. No one ever tells you how gross it all is until it’s too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love the Oprah one. It’s so true. Everybody in the house gets nits. Everybody. Even the cat

  12. So so true, parenting is less than glamorous. I also confess I ate the bit of cheese that Pops sampled in the shop and decided she didn’t like as I had nowhere to dispose. Now that’s love!! Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays x

  13. Oh goodness, what has happened to us?? I would like to add disgusting food/eating/picking at your kids leftovers to this list. If you want details of how bad it can get I did a diary for a week of all the bits of scrap food I ate. It was bad. Really bad. (http://wp.me/p8oHit-b3)
    All this will be a distant memory one day & we’ll have regained our dignity & self respect… I hope! X

    1. Hahaha. I will most certainly be checking that out! You’re a brave woman to write it all down. No denying it then!

  14. Just this year I’ve had the puke and the headlice thing. Perhaps we could design a range of stickers so fellow parent sufferers can high five each other when they meet. #dreamteam

  15. This made me chuckle!! Oh my god it’s so true, nobody warns you of how gross it all is do they?? That first meconium poo my delightful child did while we were changing his nappy on the hospital bed… he’s always had good timing! And the milky vom. Arghhh I am dreading potty training. We do talk about poo a lot since becoming parents. The other gross thing is how they literally put ANYTHING in their mouths once they start crawling etc – old food? Mud? Fluff? Literally all goes in 🤢 #DreamTeam
    Ellen recently posted…Sibling Kicks

    1. I genuinely shudder to think of the stuff that my kids have ingested from the floor or the garden. They seem alright though so we’ll plod on! 😉

  16. I thought pregnancy was going to be tough initially, due to morning sickness and that I was going to feel tired towards the end. However, it was so much worse than that, there was so much more that people didn’t tell me! This post made me laugh, but also cry. I’m at the early stages of weaning where poo becomes slightly more interesting again; what a sad life I lead that poo is now of interest to me. If you’ll excuse me I’m off to weep and eat a doughnut…or two… #Blogstravaganza
    Autumn’s Mummy recently posted…Baby girls’ clothes I’m crushing on – March/April 2017

    1. I might join you in the doughnut. I think I jinxed it by writing this post. We’ve just had THE VOMITING BUG with the littlest. Waaaah….

    1. Oh the food nappies are brutal, aren’t they? Good luck to you with the weaning. That’s another manky aspect that almost made the list. Food everywhere. So much scrubbing!

  17. Phillip walked by the other day when I was writing a blog post and asked, “So how many times do you think the word ‘poop’ appears on your blog?”

    Well, considering I mostly write about parenting, probably 869,079.641.

  18. So, so true! I squirt Oscar in the face all the time! I was very lucky though in that I never had to deal with meconium poo! I was in no state after both births to deal with those first nappies! Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  19. Oh so many eeews but this is hilarious! I now think nothing of walking into the bathroom to find my 2 year old touching his toes and waving his unwiped bum at me shouting “WIPE BUMMM!” It’s just something that I never really expected to be doing with my life?? Doesn’t even make me flinch any more though. Thanks for linking this brilliantness up with #DreamTeam x
    Rhyming with Wine recently posted…Maybe Just A Touch Less Cake? #1

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