An Open Letter to my Houseproud, Pregnant Friend

Open letter pregnancy


Dear Friend,

Congratulations on what is about to become the most exciting journey of your life. Being a first-time mother is an experience like no other; a joy. You and your partner have gradually created a beautiful home which will undoubtedly play host to lots of fun and laughter as the years pass.

As a visitor, I have never had a problem with taking off my shoes to ensure your walnut floors don’t get scuffed and your use of coasters is entirely understandable – that Carl Hansen coffee table really is a beaut. I didn’t mind when you winced as my little ones attempted to lift breakables off your shelves. You were totally justified and I will replace the Vera Wang vase.

I’m writing this letter to warn you about the reality that lies ahead for your expanding family and to give you a chance to adjust your expectations a little. At this point you believe that certain rooms will remain ‘out-of-bounds’ for your own little ones. You may also believe that when you firmly say ‘no’ as your child attempts to spread peanut butter on your Mulberry cushion, they will listen and obey.  You are being naive and you are grossly underestimating a child’s capacity for destruction.

Take a moment to enjoy your beautiful home one last time. Admire your unsullied couch, your clean walls and your picture frames on low shelving. Enjoy an odour-free existence and a world in which remote controls don’t end up in the washing machine. There are certain things that will inevitably happen in a home with children and these are just some of them.

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  1. Dirty hand-prints will be found on 70% of your surfaces. Only 40% will be fully removable.
  2. A child will drag a sharp-cornered plastic box across your wooden floor. It will leave a welt in the shape of a wry smile that makes your jaw tighten every time you see it.
  3. A child will block a toilet with either toilet paper, clothing or a Furby.
  4. A child will take a crap on the beige Saxony carpet in your front room. It will be trodden deep into the fibres. You will treat it with an array of products and the stain will fade, but you will always see its faint yellowish outline in a certain light.
  5. A child will draw a self-portrait on a wall with a permanent marker.
  6. A ball will crack a window. If not yours, a neighbour’s.
  7. Your kitchen table will be forever stained pink by the weekly Bolognaise. Nothing gets that stain off, not even the hardcore chemicals you bought for the carpet.
  8. A half-eaten banana will be hidden in the cavernous pot of your Ficus plant. It will remain there for an unknown period. You will search for the source of the smell for weeks and blame the poo. When you find the offending article it will be a mushy decomposing mess that smells like feet and sweet vomit.
  9. Hardened, fluorescent Play-Doh will be identified clinging to the strands of your high pile rug. Play-Doh is second only to meconium on the list of parents’ most hated substances.
  10. Entire boxes of cereal will be upended into the dishwasher.
  11. The letterbox will be filled with yogurt.
  12. Cream crackers will become lodged in the DVD drive.
  13. A child will dig up a freshly-planted flower bed in order to build a tomb for a Transformer.
  14. A Sylvanian Family member will meet a sticky end in the microwave.
  15. You will never be able to find the remote. Ever.

But hey, what do I know?  Maybe your kid will be different.

Best of luck on the beautiful and exciting journey ahead – such a special time!

Lots of love,

Sinéad.

P.S. You’ve got accidental damage cover on your home insurance policy, right?

 


Linking this post with…

Mummuddlingthrough    R is for Hoppit   This Mum's Life A Cornish Mum       My Petit Canard
How do you tell a houseproud, pregnant friend that her home, as she knows it, will not survive the invasion of small people? She ought to be warned, right?

36 comments on “An Open Letter to my Houseproud, Pregnant Friend

  1. Haha, I can’t wait to see how your friend copes! Ours destroyed the surround surround! Youngest put her car in the large speaker and now we can’t get it out. You can hear it rattling when the sound is on! Thanks for linking up with #FridayFrolics

  2. I had a right good chuckle throughout this post, but my most favourite was the welt in the wooden floor in the shape of a wry smile. My youngest picked an area of paint and plaster off our hall wall the other day and now every time I walk past it ‘my jaw tightens’. I was never house proud but now I have an excuse to defo not be!! #chucklemums

    1. Oh dear! I think we have to just surrender at this stage! That floor is mocking me! Thanks for stopping by to read! 🙂

    1. There isn’t a HOPE that I could bring my crew to a place with white carpets! I wouldn’t even trust myself around a white carpet. 😂

  3. Hahaha this is so brilliant, and so true. I’ve never been a clean and tidy person, but even I have had to lower my expectations a little. It’s the drawing on everything in crayons that gets to me! xx #PicknMix

  4. HA! This cracked me up. Luckily I’ve never been house proud, although I keep saying to people when they come round ‘Sorry about the mess..actually I shouldn’t apologise as it just always looks like this. This is the best it gets.’ 😂 And it’s only going to get worse as the gremlin gets older. Oh well!! This reminds me I need to order a washable throw for my beige sofa, ha. #bigpinklink
    Ellen recently posted…A tribe, a thank you & a reason to blog

  5. This really made me smile. I never went through the baby or toddler stage as my kids were 3 and 5 when they came home – but they make more mess than I had ever thought! My weirdest one was wondering why there were sprouts all over the floor following dinner – it turned out my 3 year old was ‘storing’ them there as he really didn’t like them! Ummm, what??? Bless em! #MarvMondays

  6. Ha this is brilliant! Had me laughing out loud all the way through/ the one about meconium and playdoh is particularly relatable I feel! xx #bigpinklink

  7. Hahaha….yes, yes and yes… We have found many strange things in the toy boxes and things stuffed in the DVD player. And let’s not even talk about the walls…Life, and your house will never be the same AFTER kids. Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

  8. Haha this is so true! I have a friend that always comments on my house being untidy – by that I mean toys everywhere, no dirt or mess – and I keep saying she’s in for a huge shock when she has children! #coolmumclub

  9. Oh the joy of being a naive, pre-child parent! Bless her, she’ll soon learn. Probably the hard way 😉 I love that im not the only one that finds Play-doh the bane of our lives. After several play sessions which ended with it mushed into our rug, despite having a large plastic play mat out, it is now banned from our home. Mean I know, but its just not worth the stress! Fab post, thanks for sharing it on #MarvMondays. Emily

  10. God my house is such a tip – we had a cheap couch from ikea that was peed on, drawn on, food and drink all over it.. kids are so gross. I’d do anything to live in a nice tidy house , except clean it obviously !

  11. Hello Sinéad

    I had a right good chuckle after reading this post. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs one must carry through life. It is a task that begins at the birth of your baby and it has no end. However, no matter how difficult it is to raise children, it is still one of the most rewarding tasks that an individual can tackle. After the birth of the baby, life will never be the same. The addition of another member in the family who is totally dependent on you is a big responsibility. Time flies by so fast and before you know it, your baby has gone through infancy and toddlerhood in a breeze. Parents then are faced at how to discipline their children in the most positive way. You’d find yourself sharing parenting tips with your relatives, co-workers and even other parents at school.

    There will always be a time when it is undeniably hard to carry on the role of being a parent. It may be the reason why so many parenting tips are available online, to help parents cope at how to be effective role models. It is important to establish a very good foundation of love, trust and respect very early on. Children need to know what unconditional love is, in order for them to grow into individuals who can openly share love too. It is a cruel world out there, and as much as parents would want to shield children from this reality, it is really inevitable.

    Parents can only do so much for their children. And there are so many ways on how properly raise kids. It is essential that parents are good examples to their children in order for them to follow that example. Many parenting tips are shared amongst parents, however it really boils down to unconditional love.

    My best to you in your endeavors.
    Gwyneth Clover recently posted…Health and beauty benefits of pears

  12. Love this. Although I have some mummy friends who are still just as houseproud and decorating their houses with white walls, expensive hard floor, light carpets and sofas. When will they embrace the madness and destructive nature of little people? 😂 I’m loving my flash magic eraser right now as my youngest is in a draw on every wall in the house within 2 seconds of magically finding a pen I thought I’d hidden!

  13. Ha ha, so funny and so true!!! I can also recommend paying the extra for ‘apple care’ on any apple computer products you may purchase. You will no doubt make good use of it! (The voice of experience…) x

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